So I might be a little drunky and a little buzzed, and it's a LOT past-my-bedtime since I need to be at work in like 4 hours, and I will probably regret this post in the AM and delete it, but what the fuck, this is 'my journal', right?

So (e:jason)'s post tonight (sorry, you'll have to look it up, I'm incapable of figuring out the link right now) plus some chat plus long talks with friends, have sent me through the gamut of emotions. Starting with 'poor jason'. That raw emotion just breaks my heart. It sucks, it hurts, I can feel it, and I wish I could help, but I fear only time can cure a broken heart. There are tons of people here for you bro. But YOU have to make the decision to actively try to feel better, then open your eyes and let them in... You're only alone if you let yourself be, and we can't help you unless you let us. Then talk turned to 'boys are confusing' 'no girls are confusing' 'men suck' 'no, women suck' etc etc. And then thoughts turned to sad and lonely and 'why doesn't anyone ever like me' depressing kind of shit. So yeah, thanks for that Jason! ;) I start out feeling bad for you and wanting to cheer you up, but I end up all depressed and sad, and needing cheering up myself (so what do I do? I drink beer. Strong work!)

But anyway, it got me thinking of the age-old topic. Yes, I know women can be hard to understand. I like to think that I, personally, am pretty much an open book. Perhaps to my detriment. I am super trusting, and loyal to a fault. And I can be totally gullible and naive when it comes to guys. Like, I actually think 'yeah I'll call you' actually MEANS 'i'll call you.' Silly me... Sure, sometimes it does mean that, but more often it means 'no way in hell will i call you, but I'm "afraid of hurting you" so I won't just tell you no- I'll lead you on for a while, and make it even worse."

And that is what I'm talking about... Guys like to claim that they are so easy to read and so straightforward- but that's so not true.... You play games with the best of 'em. I think the most common being the one above. I would SOOOOOOO much rather be hurt by the honest truth now, than deceived with lies and more hurt later... The "i think you're cool, but I just don't feel it" is so much better.... Yeah sure, no one wants to have to tell someone that. But they "yeah yeah we'll hang out next week" and then coming up with some excuse at the last second... that is so chicken-shit, and SO much worse.

Haha, I'm not really as bitter as this sounds.... I'm just sick of trying to interpret boys and their actions and non-actions.

[edited for content- personal details of current mini-semi-quasi-crush situation deleted. Gist of story- I'm not sure where things stand.]

So my rational side thinks it's probably a no, take the hint, move on.... But my emotional side can make so many excuses... didn't get the message, lost my number, etc etc etc. So I think 'ok, that's it. I've made my move. I'll just play it cool. See what happens, take no further action"

But I hate that. That even has the word 'play' in it and I am so not about "playing" any sort of BS games with people... I mean c'mon, we're adults here. Why can't we talk maturely about emotions? 'hey, you're cool. I think maybe I could like you." "awesome, i think you're cool too- let's hang out!" Or "yeah I'm just not feeling it, but thanks!"

That sort of honest communication could spare SO much heartache.... I try to be straightforward, and I just don't bet it back...
Such a bummer...
Yeah I could stand to lose a few pounds... But all in all, I'm a sane, down-to-earth, smart, funny, reasonably attractive chick. With a decent job and a decent head on my shoulders. I've got my shit together. I don't "need" a boy. But I'm always down with making new friends. And if something comes if it- great! And if it doesn't- that's fine too. No harm no foul. Never hurts to meet new people... I would do anything for my friends/family, without thinking twice. Just because I like to do things for people. I won't blow smoke up your ass, and all I want is for you do the same...

So why does that always backfire on me?
Guys claim they don't play games, they say they want a girl who doesn't. I don't, and it freaks people out. At least, something freaks 'em out. Maybe "straightforward" comes across as desperate? Which I'm so not...

Bah... it's past my bedtime. I'm not looking for you all to tell me how great I am, and stroke my ego. I *know* I'm a cool fuckin chick. ;)
I'm just venting my confusion, and wondering if anyone out there feels the same...

Ok. Thanks for listening. 'Night peeps.

-J